Category Archives: Letters to Stevie

Stephen Harper – Emergency Memo #3

Stevie

You need to step up your war chant. If you’re going to use the ISIS (or as I call them, the Repeating Passive Verb Gang, ha, ha) conflict to win over Canadian voters with a ‘patriotic’ stance, flying a few fighter jets over battle areas isn’t going to cut it. This is an issue you need to show real leadership on. Why not declare war on Syria and Libya (and that other African country), and put boots on the ground? If you call conscription before October 19th, the election is yours, otherwise Canadians aren’t going to take you seriously. Remember George Bush and Iraq. He got in there before anyone could say “what weapons of mass destruction?”

Pound the war drums loudly. People are angry about the thousands of refugees being chased from their homelands and ready to follow a guy like you who isn’t afraid to put his mouth where his money is. They want to make somebody pay for all the misery they’re seeing on TV, so you can win their votes by attacking Assole Basaraid (or whatever his name is) and the Islamic extremists at the same time.

This is another win-win situation. Call conscription (‘Jobs for Youth’), and offer to re-enlist those veterans dismissed from the forces. Get everybody hyped and they’ll forget the ‘R’ word. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that a good, long war booms the economy and sets the oil industry humming.

Keep the faith,

Darwin Steed

Associate Speechwriter (cut rates to Reform-a-Tory candidates)

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

To Stephen Harper – Emergency Memo #1

Stevie:

I can see the campaign’s not going well. You need to ramp up the rhetoric. I offer here (gratis) some slogans and quotes you might consider using in your speeches, commercials and interviews:
•Bravely defacing the environment to save our economy.
•If the 20th Century was good enough for our parents, it’s good enough for me.
•The facts of the matter are this: you do not need a healthy environment to have a thriving economy. Remember the thoughts of American Republic Candidate for President, Rick Santorum: “Man is more important than the environment.”

•Our children do not want clean water or clean air or Arboreal forests, they want oil and plenty of it!
•I’m right and Duffy is an ass. In the words of Richard Nixon, “I am not a crook, or a liar… or Richard Nixon.”
•The Reform-a-Tory Party of Canada is dedicated to a balanced budget and no government, which we have provided for the past 10 years.
•Climate change is just liberal and socialist imprudence.

•There are no McJobs, just McPeople.
•To boost the economy, a Reform-a-Tory government will provide every child with a five dollar gas coupon.

Finally, Steve, to bring your point home, quote George W. Bush as often as possible, especially with, “If you don’t stand for anything, you don’t stand for anything.”

Darwin Steed

Associate Speech Consultant & Scribe
Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Stevie – Don’t let the liberal and socialist bastards grind you

Stevie

Ignore the noise (as you always do). Keep on laying out your message “no government is good government” to the people. If, as Goebbels suggested, you say it loud enough and long enough, they will believe it.

Of course people say that your policies are crypto-fascist. So what? What’s wrong with improving the justice system (why do we need more prisons with less crime?), preventing crooked people from voting (who are they voting for?), dumbing-down the public service (they must have been pretty dumb to begin with, not to agree with your policies), helping the corporate rich avoid paying tax (to keep the economy booming), preventing government scientists from staying on message, subsidizing the oil industry to the tune of 1.2 billions bucks a year, thwarting our ‘democratic’ Parliament (I love it when you prorogue), simplifying Statscan so ‘simple’ Canadians (the 61% of the electorate— liberal-socialists—that didn’t vote Reform-a-Tory in 2011) can understand it, and sponsoring the most flagrant abuses of the Senate since MacDonald.

Let them whine. You know best. You’ve always known best, pal, you’re the leader! Remember that when you talk to Canadians from your $50 million, Goebbels Memorial Reform-a-Tory Communications Centre. Canadians know (at least 30% anyway) that you’re giving them the straight goods (according to you—and who knows better than the man with absolute power).

Ignore those who call you a sociopath. Envy is a sad thing.

Darwin Steed

Associate Speechwriter (quotes available)
Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Stephen Harper – Emergency Memo #2

Stevie

Forget staying the course, it’s not working. You’ll have to think big, and you’ll have to go on the attack. What you don’t want are those enviro-wackos controlling the message. You have to put it on the line to Canadians. “You decide. If we want to boom the economy, you’ll have to choose between trees and oil. We have a country crammed with boreal trees, which aren’t even worth milling, and thousands of caribou, which only a few hunters shoot every year. Neither of which is putting Loonies in your pocket. So, do you want trees and caribou you’ll never see, or do you want to be able to drive to the mall?

Toronto has a massive Raccoon infestation. Ask yourself, Torontonians, where are they coming from? You guessed it, the boreal forest. Eliminate the boreal forest and you eliminate the Raccoon problem.

A Reform-a-Tory government would develop our North as God intended, one big Tar sand excavation from coast-to-coast, criss-crossed by millions of miles of pipeline, carrying Alberta crude to all parts of the world (just imagine a trans-Atlantic pipeline!). This would create thousands, possibly millions, of jobs, most employing Newfies who would move their families to Alberta, leaving Newfoundland empty to house thousands of refugees there. A win-win situation.

The facts of the matter are these: with climate change, and the Arctic ocean warming, new economic opportunities will be created for man to exploit our God-given resources—namely oil. Do the lib-socios have the imagination to come up with massive job creation plans like this? I don’t think so.”

And remember, Stevie, things always look blackest just before the bottom falls out and then they get light again.

Keep the faith,

Darwin Steed

Associate Speechwriter (special rates to Reform-a-Tory candidates)
Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail